Vice Squad

Finally someone’s fucking an Asian dude. Maybe now we’ll have one less Virginia Tech meltdown.

Vice Squad

With all the talk about scat bars and puke porn and octopus sex it’s easy to forget that Japan also caters to totally reasonable fetishes, like guys who wish girls walked around without pants all day.

Vice Squad

I guess fashion is vital and art and stuff, but it also allows for “shoots” that are all about 30 people helping one person take photos of a 16-year-old anorexic giraffe from Estonia.

Vice Squad

Somehow you stumble upon the MySpace page of these guys’ band, the genre is “Electro/screamo/emo/punk/ pop,” and they have songs about having text sex with chicks. As you’re remarking how embarassing they are, you see that they have gigs booked from now until next year and are 17 years old, while you have no health insurance.

Vice Squad

I wonder how many young men have perished trying to keep Miss Tokyo Posh Pants ’09 happy?

Vice Squad

Other girls hate when you date girls like this because it makes you look like a pedophile but as Marc Maron says, “Of course we want to fuck 14 year-old girls. That’s why there’s a law!”

Vice Squad

These aren’t brown nylons—they’re beige fishnets, and when you combine them with 60s French beatnik you turn everyone around you into a dude.

Vice Squad

Jesus Mother Mary and Joseph Fucking Christ what a specimen she is! Dude, you can get all the tattoos and dress-down army gear you want but you will never be anything more than a catatonic fetus in this goddess’ presence.

Vice Squad

Here’s a great idea for a hot look this season: Be the most attractive woman in the world.

Vice Squad

Teenagers who grew up in New York are so easy on the eyes (check out her hat) you immediately forget they all talk like plumbers in the mafia.

Vice Squad

This woman is a goddess when you’re tree planting in Kenora, BC, with 30 other dudes. Back in the city however, she looks like a vegan groupie for Faith No More who doesn’t speak English.

Vice Squad

When girls look like Brigitte Bardot in Le Mépris you know you can just go, “This party sucks let’s get out of here” and you two will end up having so many fun adventures that night that you’ll still think about her sometimes when you’re 70.

Vice Squad

No offense to suicide bombers but what the fuck are you going to do with girls like these when you die? Western rock stars surrounded by coke dealers and world famous fashion designers can barely handle them.

Vice Squad

We’ve been getting a lot of shit recently for putting Asian chicks in the DOs. Sorry. Are we supposed to let this glide by without doing anything? Maybe they just care more about how they look.

Vice Squad

Girls only make out with us because if they didn’t, the human race would end. Get a few wine coolers in them and they want exactly what we want.

Vice Squad

L.A. is so warm and easy and greasy you can almost smell the balls the second you get out of the airport.

Vice Squad

Everything was going great, but brown nylons are a bigger dealbreaker than being HIV-positive and joining the KKK.

Vice Squad

Dude, keep holding on to her and don’t let go for the rest of your life. She is about seven miles out of your league and you are never going to have tits like that in your mouth ever again (ever).

Vice Squad

Future wives of Russian mobsters are schooled for a life of servility and lying to the cops by being force-fed cocaine and having to dance half-nude in nightclubs from the age of 12. Here we see one of this rare breed about two years away from graduation.

Vice Squad

New York shits on LA a lot but when West Coasters embrace their inherent Hollywood-Sunset-Strip-Rock-and-Roll-iness it kind of makes New York feel like a cramped shithole filled with rats.