Stuff White People Like - #133 The World Cup

Every four years the planet comes together to celebrate the World Cup and since white people make up a portion the world, they are not immune to the excitement.

However, before you start planning out long watching sessions with white people you should be aware of exactly why white people get so excited about the World Cup. Though you may be waiting on baited breath for your favorite sport on a global scale, white people like the World Cup because it allows them to pretend they are European for a few weeks, and more importantly, it allows them to get drunk at odd hours.

Virtually every white person you speak to about the World Cup is incapable of remembering any actual event that took place during a game but can, with near total recall, remember how they got very drunk on Sangria during a Spain-Paraguay match at five in the morning.

From reading the above paragraph, the sharper ones among you have likely noticed that clever white people also adore the World Cup because it allows them to pair countries with their respective alcoholic drink.

“England is playing Argentina? Dude we gotta get some Newcastle then like, I don’t know, like some wine I guess?”

This plan will be consummated with a high five, a trip to Trader Joes, and the purchase of a soccer jersey that will be worn, on average, twice a decade.

It’s also worth noting the amazing interest shown by white women in the World Cup. While they generally find most professional sporting events to be boring, the atmosphere at a World Cup match is much more amenable. Mostly because they don’t have to drink light beer and there is a good chance that they might meet a European man, or, at least someone who might be planning a trip there. This is far superior to a hockey game where, at best, they might meet a Canadian. It goes without saying that for white women, the World Cup can’t come soon enough.

Of course, hosting a themed party around one of the games is a sure fire way to increase your popularity with white people, but at the end of the day it does not increase your bottom line. No, during the World Cup, the most profit to be made will come from betting on the games with white people. Not only will they have plenty of disposable income, they will follow the following betting patterns:

• England is good
• Brazil is good
• Italy is good
• Teams from Africa are cute underdogs and thus always worth a bet.

When it comes to talking about the event, it goes without saying that you should probably avoid trying to talk to white people about any of the actual players in the World Cup aside from the biggest stars. Most white people cobble their soccer knowledge together from UK celebrity gossip and a few games of FIFA on the Wii.

But if you do find yourself talking to a white person who actually knows a lot about soccer you are probably talking to a European, or worse, a white guy who tries too hard.

The latter is especially dangerous, as they have likely been waiting for years to meet someone to converse with about “football” and with soccer’s year round schedule, they will never leave you alone.

Click here for more Stuff White People Like.

Stuff White People Like - #132 Picking their own Fruit

It is well established that white people like the past. Vintage clothing, history degrees, and nostalgia are just three examples of how white people show their love for by-gone eras. So when white people think about growing their own food they are reminded of pastoral images of farming, working the land, and growing whole natural foods for their family. This most positive viewpoint comes from the fact that white people have mostly enjoyed supervisory roles in agricultural production over the years.

But as more and more white people moved into cities, they lost their connection to working the land. In recent years, the most advanced white people have quit their jobs, moved to the country and opened artisanal dairies and small scale radicchio farms.

However, not all white people have the ability, or the trust funds, to quit their job and follow their food-based passions. Some white people have to get their fix by picking their own fruit.

Many of you might be familiar with the process of harvesting a crop, some of its more intense variations are often referred to as “migrant labor” and “slavery.” Under these conditions, laborers are expected to work extremely hard in order to live up to large expectations about their fruit picking output.

When white people harvests a crop it’s known as “berry picking” or “pick your own fruit.” Under these conditions, white people are expected to work leisurely with no real expectations and then they pay for the privilege to do so. In other words, berry picking is the agricultural equivalent to a private liberal arts college. It’s no surprise white people like it, because much like a liberal arts degree it feels like you’ve done real work when you really haven’t.

Of course the easiest way to turn a profit with this information would be to start your own fruit picking farm. But that is only looking at the small picture. It is well established that all white people enjoy doing manual labor under watered down and expensive conditions. So, if you are currently working in a job that requires intensive amounts of work, you should consider using that work space to create what is essentially an adult daycare for white people who would like to spend an afternoon learning how to use a loom or pretending to be a construction worker.

Note: if you encounter a white person who is actually good at manual labor they are either some kind of performance artist, writing a book, or the host of a show on HGTV.

[Copy and pasted from a blog called, you guessed it, Stuff White People Like. Click here to visit that site, though I have already reposted everything from their most recent update, which is directly above this comment, right here.]

Stuff White People Like - #131 Conan O’Brien

The recent news that Conan O’Brien will be replaced by Jay Leno has caused white people to erupt with rage and hostility. You might even expect them to lash out and do something about it like take to the streets or write a letter to NBC to voice their dissatisfaction with the network. But no, white people will solve this problem the way that they solved the election crisis in Iran – through Facebook and Twitter status updates. In 2009, millions of white people took 35 seconds to turn their twitter profiles green, and consequently sent a very powerful message to the leaders of Iran. Their message was that they wanted their friends to know that they would stop at nothing to ensure freedom and democracy for the Iranian people. Thanks in large part to that effort Iran is now completely democratic. With that issue settled, white people are launching a similar campaign for Conan that is sure to have similar results.

It is not hard to understand why white people love Conan O’Brien, he embodies so many of the things they already like before he even opens his mouth: Ivy League Schools, Red Hair, the Boston Red Sox, Self Deprecating Humor, The Simpsons, and Bad Memories of High School (likely, but not confirmed). Seeing him on television five nights a week is a comforting reminder of community to the white people who still have televisions.

But if your plan is to try to use Conan O’Brien as a way to get white people to become more interested you, then it is imperative that you understand a few key rules. Firstly, all white people love “the masturbating bear,” if you don’t know what this is, do not worry. Just state your love for the character, and the white person you are talking to will simply fill in the rest. Secondly, all white people believe that Andy Richter never should have left the show. And finally, you should do your best to develop a “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog” impression. All white people already have one, so you might as well try to fit in. Complete these steps and watch your friendship with white people become considerably smoother.

Now, the biggest and most important thing to remember is to never, under any circumstances bring up a Conan O’Brien sketch or joke that has taken place in the last three years. You will be met with only blank stares. For you see, while white people will fiercely support Conan O’Brien in any public forum, they always fail to support him in the only way that actually helps – by watching his show.

Note: Under no circumstances should you ever mention that you prefer Jay Leno. This might cause white people to think you have the same taste in humor as the wrong kind of white people, or worse, their parents.

Stuff White People Like - #130 Ray-Ban Wayfarers

White people can do powerful things with their eyes: casting judgment, indicating scorn, and obnoxiously rolling them when someone says something they don’t agree with. Yet in spite of these powers, they are not immune to the dangers of the sun. So white people must wear sunglasses. But what may surprise you is that while white people will spend upwards of three months finding a perfect pair of unique prescription glasses, they have no such requirement for sunglasses.

Right now, all white people are either wearing or coveting a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses.

These sunglasses are so popular now that you cannot swing a canvas bag at a farmers market without hitting a pair. In fact, at outdoor gatherings you should count the number of Wayfarers so you can determine exactly how white the event is. If you see no Wayfarers you are either at Country music concert or you are indoors.

White people love these Ray-Bans because they were very popular in the 1960s and the 1980s. This gives them a historical precedent and allows white people to classify them as “timeless.” That way when they purchase these sunglasses they can talk about how they were inspired by the fashion and music of these bygone eras. When a white person says this, you should just nod and mention how they look like young Johnny Cash, a dead Beach Boy, Audrey Hepburn or an extra from a John Hughes movie. This will make them happy and likely to give you their old, expensive sunglasses that you can sell for a significant profit.

Under no circumstances, should you imply that white people purchased their sunglasses because of celebrities that are not dead or because they saw them on other white people they think are cool. This will make them very upset as white people need to believe that they cannot be persuaded to buy anything.

Saying something like “man, it’s pretty amazing how 65 people at this outdoor concert all decided to get their sunglasses at exactly the same time,” should only be directed at a white person who is not wearing Wayfarers. This will make them feel better about not fitting in, but it will also make them self conscious about their plan to buy a pair.

(Note: a significant amount of white women are still wearing oversized sunglasses but they are a dying breed.)

Hey Asshole!

I received a comment (anonymously, of course) for my posting of 'Stuff White People Like - #96 New Balance Shoes' that I thought I should share:

" Ummmm, if you were going for the easy laugh, I'll give you 2 out of 10. Mildly amusing at best. Sorry.

If you're serious, which is hard to believe but I'll play along, you need to meet a different subset of the population. I use NB because of the widths and motion control. Have completed more 5 and 10ks then I can count, finished a couple of half Marathons, and one Half IronMan triathlon. As for my athletic friends, most of them don't wear NB, but wear what works best for their foot's needs. Adidas, Saucony, Karhu to name just a few.

BTW, if it's built for running, you shouldn't be using it to walk in. The foot's bio mechanics differs between walking and running. Walking uses more heel for example.

Hope this helps to dispel any myths you have formed."

This person obviously needs to refer to my previous posting of 'Stuff White People Like - #101 Being Offended.' Based on the content of 'Stuff White People Like - #96 New Balance Shoes', I'm not sure they appreciate the deep, deep irony of posting a comment proclaiming how fantastic New Balance Shoes are and boasting of how accomplished they and their friends are at jogging (prounounced yah-geeng - it's a soft 'j') while at the same time declaring the entry itself entirely full of 'myths'. You've literally proven it to be true while trying to 'dispel' it. Quite a feat! Thanks for reading, friend-o.

*Oh, and you've "completed more 5 and 10ks than [you] can count", not 'then'.

Stuff White People Like - #96 New Balance Shoes

Because white tastes in shoes can change so quickly, it’s not recommended that you ever talk to a white person about shoes. Over the years they have embraced (and eventually disowned) Uggs, Birkenstocks, Earth Shoes, and most recently Crocs. If it’s popular, the chances are that the clock is ticking down to it’s imminent doom. One mention of your affinity for selected footwear could undo all of your hard work.

There is, however, one exception: New Balance running shoes. All white people own a pair! Seriously, next time you are at a casual party where guests are encouraged to take off their shoes take a look by the door at the veritable rainbow of New Balance sneakers.

But why do white people love them so uniformly? It is pretty simple really. A few years ago it came out that Nike (and other manufacturers) were producing their shoes in Asian sweatshops and then selling them for a very high profit margin. White people were outraged, they generally prefer that children in developing nations first finish high school before working in shoe-producing sweatshops. Otherwise they might look foolish when their co-workers are talking about Catcher in the Rye.

This enormous guilt over child labor meant that white people started to stop wearing Nike shoes. Subsequently they were left to find a company that used fair labor practices to make shoes for the sports that they loved most: jogging, hiking, cross-country running, marathons, walking and being seen in retro-sneakers.

With factories in New England (include three in Maine!) and an extensive lineup of shoes that were meant only for running, New Balance was in the ideal position to both produce and distribute a product to the lucrative markets of white people conveniently located in the region. They quickly spread nationally and joined outdoor performance clothes as an essential part of the white uniform.

When you meet a person wearing New Balance shoes it is a good idea to ask them about the marathon for which they are inevitably training. If they say “I’m not training for a marathon,” this is a good opportunity to raise your status by saying “oh, I thought only runners wore those. My running club all wear New Balance except for a few jerks who won’t shut up about Asics. I’m still a bit sore from the 10k run this morning.”

This is an extremely effective move since white people who jog are generally viewed as being better than white people who don’t. Although perhaps it’s more accurately stated that white people who jog feel the need to constantly prove they are better than white people who don’t.

Note: It is considered a legendary white male move to play basketball in a pair of New Balance. Lots of layups.

Stuff White People Like - #65 Co-Ed Sports

White people love being outside, but often during the week they don’t have time for marathons or ten mile bike rides. The answer is to play co-ed sports. This provides white people with a valuable opportunity to make friends with other white people and maybe even find a few dates.

Many white people play in their first co-ed league in college. It is considered good form to talk about how you played in one of these leagues where the best player on your team was a girl. This will make everyone feel better and remind them of the benefits of supporting women’s athletics.

As white people move into careers, the co-ed leagues become important tools for bonding with co-workers and making valuable career connections. Popular co-ed sports include kickball, softball, flag football and soccer. Although kickball used to be kind of cool, it’s sort of played out. So unless it’s a work league, it’s not really worth joining a league anymore.

On the surface, these events seem like friendly contests with everyone having a laugh. But these events are lurking with danger, and within them exists the possibility to ruin your reputation and hard earned status with white people.

If you are a poor athlete, rest easy. Co-ed sports were made for you!

But if you are reasonably skilled in sports, you have to be extremely careful how you approach your co-ed matches. If you try TOO hard (bowling over a female catcher, throwing a kickball EXTRA hard at someone) you come off as an aggressive, crazy maniac. On the other hand, if you don’t try at all you come off as a jerk who thinks they are above the game. The only solution is to approach the game like a point-shaving basketball player - play hard enough to be convincing, but not hard enough to win.

If you follow these rules, you will find yourself invited to the mandatory post-game drinks at a local bar where you will be photographed many times.

Stuff White People Like - #9 Making you feel bad about not going outside

As mentioned earlier, white people love to be outside. But not everyone knows that another thing they like to do is make people feel bad for wanting to watch sports on TV or play videogames. While it would be easy to get angry at white people for this, remember it is hard wired in their head that the greatest thing a person can do in their free time is to hike/walk/bike outdoors.

Usually, they will see that you are preparing to enjoy your life and they will say “hey, lets go for a hike in the park,” and most people will say “hey, thanks but I’ve been working all week and I’m really excited about watching this game,” and then they will respond “don’t be a lump on the couch, you’re wasting your life away, etc…” If you ignore them, they will eventually go away.

And much like most things with white people - they win both ways. If you decide to go with them, they feel good about getting someone off the couch and “into the fresh air,” and if you don’t decide to go, they can spend their entire time outdoors saying “boy, this is great, X doesn’t know what he/she is missing!” and running on a mix of self-satisfaction, Odwalla juice and muesli.

Stuff White People Like - #81 Graduate School

Being white means to engage in a day in, day out struggle to prove that you are smarter than other white people. By the time they reach college, most white people are confronted with the fact that they may not be as smart as they imagined.

In coffee shops, bars, and classes white people will engage in conversations about authors and theorists that go nowhere as both parties start rattling off progressively more obscure people until eventually one side recognizes one and claims a victory. By the time they graduate (or a year or two afterwards), white people realize that they will need an edge to succeed in the cut-throat world of modern white society.

That edge is graduate school.

Though professional graduate schools like law and medicine are desirable, the true ivory tower of academia is most coveted as it imparts true, useless knowledge. The best subjects are English, History, Art History, Film, Gender Studies, Studies, Classics, Philosophy, Political Science, Literature, and the ultimate: Comp Lit. MFA’s are also acceptable.

Returning to school is an opportunity to join an elite group of people who have a passion for learning that is so great they are willing to forgo low five-figure publishing and media jobs to follow their dreams of academic glory.

Being in graduate school satisfies many white requirements for happiness. They can believe they are helping the world, complain that the government/university doesn’t support them enough, claim they are poor, feel as though are getting smarter, act superior to other people, enjoy perpetual three day weekends, and sleep in every day of the week!

After acquiring a Masters Degree that will not increase their salary or hiring desirability, many white people will move on to a PhD program where they will go after their dream of becoming a professor. However, by their second year they usually wake up with a hangover and realize: “I’m going to spend six years in graduate school to make $35,000 and live in the middle of nowhere?”

After this crisis, a white person will follow one of two paths. The first involves dropping out and moving to New York, San Francisco or their original home town where they can resume the job that they left to attend graduate school.

At this point, they can feel superior to graduate school and say things like “A PhD is a testament to perseverance, not intelligence.” They can also impress their friends at parties by referencing Jacques Lacan or Slavoj Žižek in a conversation about American Idol.

The second path involves becoming a professor, moving to a small town and telling everyone how they are awful and uncultured.

It is important to understand that a graduate degree does not make someone smart, so do not feel intimidated. They may have read more, but in no way does that make them smarter, more competent, or more likable than you. The best thing you can do is to act impressed when a white person talks about critical theorists. This helps them reaffirm that what they learned in graduate school was important and that they are smarter than you. This makes white people easier to deal with when you get promoted ahead of them.

Stuff White People Like - #67 Standing Still at Concerts

Music is very important to white people. It truly is the soundtrack to their lives, meaning that white people are constantly thinking about what songs would be on the soundtrack for the biopic. The problem is that most of the music that white people like isn’t really dance-friendly. More often the songs are about pain, or love, or breaking up with someone, or not being able to date someone, or death.

So when white people go to concerts at smaller venues, what to do they do? They stand still! This is an important part of white concert going as it enables you to focus on the music, and it will prevent drawing excess attention to you. Remember, at a concert everyone is watching you just waiting for you to try to start dancing. Then they will make fun of you.

The result is Belle and Sebastian concerts that essentially looks more like a disorganized line of people than a music event.

If you find yourself invited to a concert with a white person, do NOT expect to dance. Prepare yourself for three hours of standing reasonably still. It is also advised to get a beer or (if legal) a cigarette so you have something to do with your hands. Although it is acceptable to occasionally raise one hand and point just above the stage.

Note: the addition of the drug ecstasy changes everything.

Stuff White People Like - #62 Knowing what’s best for poor people

White people spend a lot of time of worrying about poor people. It takes up a pretty significant portion of their day.

They feel guilty and sad that poor people shop at Wal*Mart instead of Whole Foods, that they vote Republican instead of Democratic, that they go to Community College/get a job instead of studying art at a University.

It is a poorly guarded secret that, deep down, white people believe if given money and education that all poor people would be EXACTLY like them. In fact, the only reason that poor people make the choices they do is because they have not been given the means to make the right choices and care about the right things.

A great way to make white people feel good is to tell them about situations where poor people changed how they were doing things because they were given the ‘whiter’ option. “Back in my old town, people used to shop at Wal*Mart and then this non-profit organization came in and set up a special farmers co-op so that we could buy more local produce, and within two weeks the Wal*Mart shut down and we elected our first Democratic representative in 40 years.” White people will first ask which non-profit and are they hiring? After that, they will be filled with euphoria and will invite you to more parties to tell this story to their friends, so that they can feel great.

But it is ESSENTIAL that you reassert that poor people do not make decisions based on free will. That news could crush white people and their hope for the future.

Stuff White People Like - #63 Expensive Sandwiches

Having already covered breakfast and dinner options, the question remains: what do white people like to do for lunch? The answer: expensive sandwiches.

In most cities, if you need to find a cache of white people get yourself to a sandwich shop. Generally these places aren’t open for dinner, have a panini press and are famous for their bread. There are always vegan options and the selection of meats and cheese are strongly European.

The waiters and waitresses in these places are highly coveted by the white population. They are not quite as cool as bartenders, not quite as snobby as coffee shop workers, but still artsy, young, and more than likely to be a musician/artist/writer (since they only have to work from 11-3).

If you are in the position where you need to take a white person to lunch for business or pleasure, saying “I know a great sandwich shop,” will always bring out a smile. The white person will then tell you about the great sandwich shop in the town where they went to college and how they had a crush on a waiter, or that there was some special sandwich that they always ordered. This will put the person in a good mood.

It’s important to note that this type of restaurant is best for business or friendship situations as it is very neutral and does not carry connotations like Sushi or Breakfast.

These sandwiches generally start at $8.99. Remember that whenever a white person says they wants to go to a sandwich shop you are looking at at least a $15 outlay after tip and drink, $20 if the place has a good selection of microbrews.

Also note: white people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.

Stuff White People Like - #55 Apologies

White people know that their ancestors did some messed up things. As a result, it has become hard wired for them to apologize for almost anything.

In fact, white people are so used to apologizing that they start all sentences that might cause disagreement with “I’m sorry.” For example “I’m sorry, but Garden State was a better film than Hard Eight.”

In other cases, white people will apologize without being asked.

“Excuse me Dylan, you dropped a piece of paper in front of my desk.”

“Oh, sorry about that!”

It’s just that easy! Just point it out and they’ll apologize.

Sometimes if you are out late at night and a white person irritates someone at a night club or a bar, the first thing they will do is apologize in rapid fire mode in hopes it will stop them from getting their ass kicked. This technique has a surprisingly high success rate, as the aggressor immediately knows that fighting this person will be very easy, with little satisfaction.

Stuff White People Like - #83 Bad Memories of High School

The most time and cost efficient way of gaining a white person’s trust and friendship is to talk to them about their time in high school.

Virtually every white person you meet was a nerd in a high school-it it is how they were able to get into a good arts program and law school. As such, their memories of high school are painful, but not tragic since they were able to eventually find success in the real world. Exploiting this information is your one way to ticket into the heart of a white person.

Your first priority must be to steer the conversation to the topic of high school, which is not very difficult. If you are talking about music, mention the music you think they would have liked in high school and how you were taunted for liking those bands. If you cannot properly gauge the type of music a white person liked in high school, you should always say that you were really into The Cure. All white people know that liking The Cure in high school is an invitation to be tortured by the cool kids. This will bring about instant sympathy and respect.

It is also acceptable to discuss how you were in love with a cool kid who never loved you back. For added effect, you can mention how said cool kid is now doing very poorly and that you are excited for the upcoming reunion.

If these first two points were not enough to gain an adequate level of trust, you can close the deal by saying: “I was the only kid in Improv/on the paper/on student council.” Wait for a sympathetic look and then you will know that you have forged an unbreakable and easily exploited bond.

For maximum effectiveness, this technique should be used in a social group setting where everyone can share their stories. By guiding the conversation, you will be seen as a natural and sympathetic leader. This can be easily exploited for professional and social gain.

Note: In the rare encounter that you meet a white person who was “cool” in high school, do not panic. There is a 100% chance that one of their other cool friends sold them out in a coup for control of their social circle. Failing that, you can exploit the inherent guilt they feel about their treatment of nerds.

Stuff White People Like - #76 Bottles of Water

Water seems like a fairly simple concept. You turn on the tap, put glass underneath, and drink. Sadly, it is not this simple for white people.

On the whole, they are unable to put a glass under a tap and just drink. In fact, this is such a strange concept that the city of New York had to launch a rather large PR campaign to show white people that it was possible to actually drink the water that comes out of the tap!

Up until this point, white people were consuming most of their water in the form of expensive bottles like Fiji, Aquafina and Dasanai. To this day, many white people continue to get their water in this fashion, and it is important to be aware about how your choice of water can say a lot about who you are.

Logically, you would assume that drinking the most expensive premium bottled water (Fiji and Voss) would be enough to show the world that you are too good for tap water. And a few years ago, you would have been right. But lately, advanced white people have been getting very upset about all of the waste that comes with drinking 15-20 bottles per week.

The leading edge of white people have started to use sturdier, refillable bottles. But do not assume this is from the tap. Most white people need to run their water through some sort of filter (Brita or PUR) before they put it into their bottle. This allows them to feel good about using a refillable bottle, but it also makes it more complicated, which they also like.

Previously, the gold standard was the Nalgene bottle, however recent studies have shown the plastic can leak toxins into the water. Currently, white people on the cutting edge are really into metal bottles of water with a twist cap. It is recommended that you buy one of these as soon as possible.

Having one will give you precious leverage over any white person who is drinking from a plastic bottle. “Oh bottled water? really? I mean it’s cool, but I kind of thought you cared about the earth.” If you see someone drinking a Fiji water, you do have the opportunity to go in for the kill. “Do you know that your bottle of water has a bigger carbon footprint than me? I think they were originally going to call it ‘aboriginal blood’ but that bottle was as close as they could get. You know, legally.”

Again, this should only be used in extreme situations.

Following your confrontation, the white person is likely to have a metal bottle just like yours. If this happens, there will be an implicit pact whereby they will do favors for you provided you do not tell everyone they got their bottle after you.

NOTE: whoever makes the metal bottles did not pay for the link. They just had the best pictures.

Stuff White People Like - #101 Being Offended

To be offended is usually a rather unpleasant experience, one that can expose a person to intolerance, cultural misunderstandings, and even evoke the scars of the past. This is such an unpleasant experience that many people develop a thick skin and try to only be offended in the most egregious and awful situations. In many circumstances, they can allow smaller offenses to slip by as fighting them is a waste of time and energy. But white people, blessed with both time and energy, are not these kind of people. In fact there are few things white people love more than being offended.

Naturally, white people do not get offended by statements directed at white people. In fact, they don’t even have a problem making offensive statements about other white people (ask a white person about “flyover states”). As a rule, white people strongly prefer to get offended on behalf of other people.

It is also valuable to know that white people spend a significant portion of their time preparing for the moment when they will be offended. They read magazines, books, and watch documentaries all in hopes that one day they will encounter a person who will say something offensive. When this happens, they can leap into action with quotes, statistics, and historical examples. Once they have finished lecturing another white person about how it’s wrong to use the term “black” instead of “African-American,” they can sit back and relax in the knowledge that they have made a difference.

White people also get excited at the opportunity to be offended at things that are sexist and/or homophobic. Both cases offering ample opportunities for lectures, complaints, graduate classes, lengthy discussions and workshops. All of which do an excellent job of raising awareness among white people who hope to change their status from “not racist” to “super not racist.”

Another thing worth noting is that the threshold for being offended is a very important tool for judging and ranking white people. Missing an opportunity to be outraged is like missing a reference to Derrida-it’s social death.

If you ever need to make a white person feel indebted to you, wait for them to mention a book, film, or television show that features a character who is the same race as you, then say “the representation of was offensive and if you can’t see that, well, you need to do some soul searching.” After they return from their hastily booked trip to land of your ancestors, they will be desperate to make it up to you. At this point, it is acceptable to ask them to help you paint your house.

Stuff White People Like - #13 Tea

It is a known fact that white people consume, on average 25 different teas in a given year.

Back in the old days, white people would go all over the world to get teas from places like India and Sri Lanka. They were pretty into it and all of a sudden white people are into tea. But as we moved forward, white people were like “man, one kind of tea is not enough, we need more.”

And now people are into Green Tea, Chamomile, Chai, White Tea, Red Tea, Jasmine Tea, Oolong Tea, Black Tea, Orange Pekoe, and other specialty blends. They are even opening stores and websites devoted to sending white people all sorts of tea.

If you find yourself in a situation with a white person, acceptable things to say include “I’m really into tea right now,” or “my favorite thing is to get a nice cup of tea and curl up in a chair with a good book.” But do not remind them about the role of colonialism in tea, it will make them feel sad.

Stuff White People Like - #59 Natural Medicine

One thing all white people believe is that natural medicine can cure everything. If you want to test this theory, think about which stores supply the bulk of natural/herbal remedies? Thats right! Whole Foods and Organic Co-ops!

Because of a rather shady history, white people do not trust the pharmaceutical industry. Using pretty sound logic, they believe that the drug companies have no motivation to find real cures for things like AIDS since the real profit are in drugs like Viagra and Xanax.

Using their powers of deduction, white people have determined that herbal remedies are unilaterally better than anything produced by a drug company.

Since white people can’t really blame any race for their problems, they need to blame corporations. In this case, the reason that they are sick or fat or without energy is because the drug companies are in a conspiracy to keep them addicted to placebos. This helps them shed accountability, and it lets them feel like they are helping the environment by rejecting the polluting, greedy, awful drug companies and taking natural, organic medicine from the earth.

But perhaps it goes deeper. Hundreds of years ago, another group of people believed firmly in natural medicine and it’s ability to cure disease. Then white people gave them blankets with small pox and they all died. So perhaps turning to natural medicine also helps white people feel better about killing natives.

How can you use this for gain? It’s easy! When a white person you work with is feeling sick or says they have no energy, ask them to tell you more about their problems. After pretending to listen for a little while, tell them that in your culture/home country “we cured that using a special herbal powder from [insert made up tree] root.”

Then the next day bring them a small bag of basil or oregano and tell them to boil it in a tea (white people love to believe in magic teas) and see how they feel in the morning. One of two things will happen. They will either wake up feeling great because they want to feel great and they’ll thank you profusely. Or they will wake up feeling like crap, and when you confront them at work, they will lie and say they feel good.

Either way, you did them a favor so now they owe you a favor.

Note: it’s weird that there are some white people who won’t take aspirin, but will take Ecstasy, Cocaine, Xanax and Vicodin.

Stuff White People Like - #38 Arrested Development

Even though most white people prefer to say that they don’t watch television, one thing they agree on is that Arrested Development was the best show on TV. They love it so much!

They love it for a number of reasons. Firstly, since the show was cancelled before it jumped the shark, it’s effectively like a rocker that dies at 27. Also, the show got terrible ratings, meaning that it wasn’t ‘mainstream,’ which makes white people love it unilaterally. Other examples of shows like this are Twin Peaks and The Ben Stiller Show.

They also love it because there are a few references to white popular culture, and if there is one thing that white people love, it’s cultural references that they understand (see Garden State, The Onion, and Juno for examples).

If you are ever a white person’s house, and you see an orange box in their DVD collection, you should say “oh, you have Arrested Development, I love that show!” To which you will be offered a glass of wine, and perhaps an invitation to 80s night.

Also of note: the hip hop group Arrested Development is also loved by white people.

Stuff White People Like - #58 Japan

Though there is full white consensus on a number of white things, there is perhaps nothing that draws more universal white acclaim than the island nation of Japan. It should be noted, that some white people harbor SOME ill will toward Japan because of whaling, killing dolphins or Nanking. But those are generally considered isolated incidents that do not indict the entire nation.

White people love Japan for a number of reasons. Sushi is pretty much the biggest one, since white people have spent so much time Sushi restaurants, enjoying the food, learning about how to eat it, and how to be snobby about it. This natural curiousity fills them with a need to pay a visit to Tsukiji and taste the freshest Sushi possible.

But it goes beyond just food, all white people either have/will/or wished they had taught English in Japan. It is a dream for them to go over seas and actually live in Japan. This helps them not only because it fills their need to travel, it will enable them to gain important leverage over other white people at Sushi restaurants where they can say “this place is pretty good, but living in Japan really spoiled me. I’ve had such a hard time finding a really authentic place.”

White people also love Japan because of it’s tradition, futuristic cities, films, kawaii stuff, music, and writers. Many white nerds are into anime, so being too into this can be seen as a negative by white people. It’s best to have a passing familiarity for things like Hayao Miyazaki who is universally accepted by white people, or if they don’t know who is he, they will look him up and they won’t find weird violent or sexual cartoons.

If you find yourself in an awkward silence with white people, just mention how you want to go to Japan. They will immediately begin talking about how their trip to Japan, or their favorite stuff from Japan, but it will be entirely about them. This is useful as you no longer have to talk, and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves.

But like with anime, you have to be careful about how much you like Japan. If you know how to speak Japanese, you kind of ruin it for everyone else.